How To Care For Abusive Elderly Parents

It was sad to hear what my friend Geeta told me as she sighed, “we do not have the choice of parents as we do of our friends”; her parents did not love her, but were abusive. They were old now and required her help. This made me think of how to deal with abusive elderly parents.

A few points that would help care for abusive elderly parents: 

• It is best to remember that parents that are abusive rarely change with age; you would surely have painful and unpleasant memories of your childhood that are very difficult to change overnight. Understand that you have the choice how to get involved and interact with them. It would be appropriate to say here that only one that has suffered abuse would understand how difficult it is to deal with empathy and compassion with such parents.

• It may not always be easy to care for elderly parents that are abusive. It may seem a good idea to engage the services of a geriatric care manager, guardian, or attorney, with level of control varying from one of complete control to acting as an intermediary between you and your parents in case direct contact becomes difficult. In case money is a problem it may help to contact the county’s aging and disability services to find out what services are available at affordable rates.

• Realize that you are not the powerless kid; you have the right to demand that you be treated with respect by your parents.  In the possibility of physical abuse you need to make sure you are safe by setting a boundary.

• There would be consequences in changing the family dynamics; besides demanding respect you should also think about the threats your father and mother would make. However understand that most of these threats are bluff and they may not do what they have threatened.

• Most people are held accountable by consequences; take this into account while setting boundaries. Firstly be specific of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior by telling them how you wish to be spoken to, what you will and won’t do. Also be clear about what you will do in case they violates your agreement; you would leave them or not care for them at all in case it is repeated 3 times.  Lastly you should follow through on what you say.

• It would help to show your parents in the course of your discussion how you wish to be treated by treating them in a similar way without being inadvertently abusive to them. Do not expect any significant improvement in your overall relationship; it could take place only when they too have a desire and commitment.  

Finally the decision to care or not for abusive elderly parents is not an easy one; it would help to enlist the support of relatives, friends or a counselor.

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